Slags/ Two litre bottle of cider / Dares

Hey! anyone fancy getting a couple of slags and a two litre bottle of cider and going down to the park to play dares?

I do. I always do. But I can’t now can I? I’ve left it a bit late haven’t I?  All the time doors are closing aren’t they? It’s terrible. I never even noticed the one marked ‘Slags, Two litre bottle of cider & dares’ being closed. I would have put a bit of a protest if I’d known. Bugger. Next you’ll be telling me that I’m too old to get a B.M.X and see if I can still do all’t stunts.

Well fuck it, I’m going to try and get that slags door opened again (without getting done by the Savile cops)  I’ll let you know how I get on.

Are you a slag? Can you lend me some money for a two litre bottle of cider? if so Please get in touch.

Borgine

Ernest Borgnine autobiography. The importance of being Ernest (Borgnine) page 122.

“When I came out of that volcano in Airwolf it was fucking boss”

Savile Cops Hotline

I know I said I was out of Savile related stuff but it’s started to flow again. There will be some non-Savile stuff at some point.

Slimfit /Fatfit

I went to try on a shirt the other day and the fella said ‘It’s slimfit you know’ I said ‘Yeah I know mate’ snappily.

I was muttering ‘cheeky get’ to myself as I was trying it on. ‘What do I need, fatfit or summit?’

Anyway, after that I felt obliged to buy it to prove a point. Needless to say it’s too small.

Maybe this is a new sales technique. Has anyone else experienced this?

RECKLESS

You know that feeling when you go through a light that’s just gone red and you think ‘I’m a fucking risk taker me’ and then you look in the mirror and someone’s done the same behind you. They are not risk taker are they? They are RECKLESS. It’s a fine line.

If you’d ‘shag owte’ read this

It’s probably not a good idea to admit that you’d ‘shag owte’ to any of your girlfriends or wives. They will automatically assume they are at the bottom of your acceptable range when they may well be at the top.

If you must be honest, say something ‘I’d shag owte but I’ve got you so I don’t have to now’

To be honest I’d avoid the issue altogether. I speaketh from experience.

More about this sort of thing: 
http://blockoflard.wordpress.com/2011/10/17/the-shape-of-things-to-come-id-shag-owte/

Please do not stick your finger up my..

More arse related stuff:

http://blockoflard.wordpress.com/2011/10/13/metal-shites/

http://blockoflard.wordpress.com/2012/11/26/shit-the-ins-and-outs-of-it/

Cute animals

Nearly crashed again, this time looking at a nice dog with a cute old face.

If you’ve got a cute animal, for god’s sake KEEP IT AWAY FROM THE ROADS.

More animal related stuff:

http://blockoflard.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/pig-town-burp/

http://blockoflard.wordpress.com/2012/02/27/dogs-out-by-themselves/

 

 

Savile Cops

Savile Cops eh? After all the trouble he’s caused what do they do? Name a police force after him. I think it’s a disgrace.

Right, that’s me out of Savile jokes.

Ducks and deer should fuck off out of country parks

I’ve had a very pleasant weekend but I think I speak for everyone when I say Ducks and deer should fuck off out of country parks.

Spoiling things by shitting everywhere. Can’t we find somewhere else for them to live?

Pig Town / Burp

I like these little pig towns they have now where they all have a little piggy house each in the field and you can see them messing about and snuffling and that.

They need to put up a big hedge or summit though, because I always nearly crash trying to see the piglets coming out -like I did this morning.

Then I done a burp and experienced a feeling of mild guilt because I’d had a ham and cheese omelette.

It’s all happening today it really is.

Fatties / Cheese

Hey, I’ve just realized, the more cheese you eat the fatter you get.

If this helps one of the many fatties out there that’s great.

What’s the Difference Between a Cunt and a Twat?

 

 

Dinner / Boredom

Like a lot of people I don’t waste my dinner hour eating, oh no. I eat when I’m working, Thus giving myself a whole hour to do something I like. This usually end up being walking around the big Tesco buying stuff for my second dinner cos first dinner hasn’t filled me up… but it’s a good idea on paper isn’t it?

This probably explains why I am both fat and very, very bored.

and it’s dinner not lunch:

http://blockoflard.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/annoying-words-1-lunch/

Is it dinner time yet?

Is it dinner time yet?
Is it friday?
Has the food van been yet?
Is it home time?
When’s the next bank holiday?
Is it christmas?

No
No
No
No
6th may
No