Have you got a shop? You might find this useful when a sale that you were having has come to an end.
You’d think that when you’d took so long to get to 40 you’d be able sit and enjoy it for a bit wouldn’t you? But no it’s 41 before you know it. Fastest year ever. What have I achieved in this year? FUCK ALL.
WHICH CUNT PRESSED FAST-FORWARD?
A visit to the Earth by the Lord God doesn’t turn out how he expected.
There’s nothing like the feeling of something you are completely responsible for being completely out of control, is there?
B&Q. Bins on heads running round. In between the aisles so you can hear them but you can’t see them. Stuff of nightmares, stuff of nightmares.
Does anyone know anywhere to go that’s good? Because everywhere I go is wank. There must be somewhere that you can go to that’s just good and you don’t have to do owte. I’m thinking that when someone tells me where the good place is, I’ll go there and stay there. That’s the plan anyway!
Anyone else sick-to-fucking-death of vampires?
It’s that time of year again, RESOLUTIONS. But how have we fared with the last lot? Here’s mine from last year. Lets have a look:
Get into a fight and win it: NO. Not even a sniff of a scrap. I’ve been ready for a scrap all year but no ones given me any grief. I don’t want to start one for nowte, that’s what cunts do.
Eat more nice food: YES I’ve done this thank you very much, plenty of nice grub has gone down me gob hole this year.
Shag a fit bird: No luck with this one. I’ve really tried as well. The Mrs is fit, does that count? Does it fuck! *
So one out of three. Not brilliant. I thought they were quite achievable too but there you go. Time to move one. Here’s my new ones:
Scare a ghost: I’ve never seen a ghost but I’m on the look out for one because I reckon it would be funny to sneak up on them and make them jump.
Wear nob on right: I’m going to mix things up this year by wearing my nob on the right instead of the left. I got the idea when I had toothache and had to chew on the right instead of the left. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Get hold of some drugs: I’ve had to give up the booze cos of me bad guts (I may have mentioned this) So I’m going to try and get hold of some drugs to compensate. Now I’m a bit older and think about stuff too much, I don’t like the idea of giving money to dealers so I don’t really know how I’m going to do this one, mek some mesen or summit I dunno.
Have you got any good New years resolutions you can share with us? On second thoughts, don’t fucking bother. Not interested.
*Alarmed by a married man talking in this way? Please read my Mrs disclaimer:
It’s about this time of year when you begin to feel a bit jaded isn’t it? Crimbo is gone and there’s only the anticlimax of New years Eve to look forward to.
Well get a grip of yourself. You’ve got fuck all to feel jaded about. I read about a bloke that was in prison and when he found out he wasn’t going to get released for Crimbo he cut his own nob off. Now that that cunt did have something to worry about.
Hey have you heard the news? Nelson Mandela (or ‘Madiba’ as everyone in the media now calls him) has been brought back to life and they’ve put him back in prison on Robin island. What a turn up for the books!